I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??