just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
