sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
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hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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This tent reeks of fear and sangria
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.