My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.