i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
