i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
