Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
