that's an acceptable place to lick
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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