I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
