my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
