Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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