My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
