it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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