the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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