I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
