ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
