Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
