mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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