apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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