I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
