how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
