Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
