Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
