i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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