Already got asked if we're dating
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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