hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
