Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
