I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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