If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
