I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
