The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize