I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
where are my eyebrows?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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