that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
