she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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