He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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