she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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