good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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