this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I still have a little drunk in my system
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
