There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
