i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
