dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
