If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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