woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize