i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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