oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
