So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
