it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
