Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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