Sponge bath it is.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk