I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
