what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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