I take back everything I said about communal showers
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
