there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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