fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
