My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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