If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
